Archive for the ‘parenting’ Category

A Dangerous Journey
July 28, 2013

I am going into my teenage son’s bedroom!   The danger is obvious in the mere description of the task-  1. teenage male 2. his bedroom 3. going in.  I’m sure that my trepidation is the same felt by the Navy Seals as they descended into Bin Laden’s compound.  What will we find? Are there booby traps? Am I sufficiently armoured? and ultimately , What will be the casualty count?

Typically, I never go in my 15 year old son’s room.  At most I will stand at the threshold, yell in the time, and advise him to get out of bed, but I never step a foot inside.  First of all, there are huge obstacles to even the contemplation of going in- huge piles  cover the floor- clothes intermingled with the unknown, empty potato chip bags, even electrical gadgets poking out of the 2-3 foot mounds of debris.   Even when my dog ventures in she steps cautiously, unlike me she is willing  to risk life and limb to get to my son,  and for her there is the additional reward of being able to eat or roll in anything that smells really bad.   Those thigh-high heaps of unknown matter clearly contain biological and inorganic waste products resulting from the toxic mix of things decaying,  chemically combusting,  and doused with the juice of man- feet- stink-  – clearly the stuff of biological warfare! 

Why?- you ask- why would I sign up for a near certain suicide mission?  First, I’m a Mother-  a.k.a. A Hero, the bravest of the brave, courageous and undaunted in the face of the most herculean of odysseys.    The process of birth- internally pushing out something 100 times the size of the hole it emerges from- creates a warrior, a super- solider, prepared for and subject to the grossest and most challenging duties.  Secondly, we are going on vacation and school will be starting soon- and I have got to take inventory of what is salvageable, and what needs to be “red bagged”.  The only alternative: fire-bombing the room, is not an option since it is quite connected to the rest of the house.  So I must venture in…… !

 A testament to my mommilitary training I  go in fully prepared,  donning  a haz-mat  suit, which I wear over my bee-keeper outfit, and my cold-water dive wetsuit and oxygen tank.  Using the night-vision goggles and the infrared, Geiger counter I should be able to sift through the debris, and  safety manage the radioactive exposure.  I am hopeful that I will emerge within a few days with a handful of school uniforms, some library books,  and an acceptable body count .  And  most importantly – the pride of completing another death-defying mission and the triumph of surviving and living to tell other mothers that victory is possible!

There isn’t any food in the house – {with editorial comments}
December 7, 2012

Last night while  at work  I realized that  I  had 5 missed calls and one voice mail message from my 14 year old son between 5:57pm and 6:30pm. The following is a transcript of the voice message he left: { and my editorial comments}

{5 calls within 28 mins- OMG is the house on fire!?!} 

“Hey Mama, It’s me, Alex.”

{He’s an only child}

“Ahh, I just realized that ah, well- there isn’t any food in the house.”

{ Subtext- I finally looked up from my computer/phone screen and realized your big ass was not in front of the stove}

“Yeah. No leftovers. Nothing I can make.” 

{ see pics below}

“and it’s ah- kindaof problem.”

{ Look, I don’t want to get you in any trouble , but child abuse and neglect IS a felony!}

“Now I’m not just calling to scream and whine.”

{ I am a man with a solution}

“I’m calling to ask if you could please, maybe, order some pizza, have it delivered to the house with a credit card- I guess.”

{ payment method is your choice: we take checks, credit cards- or you can shake that money tree that you have hidden up your ass}

“I have no money.”

{ I’m dependent on you- actually more like a slave/exploited child worker}

“That’s why I ‘m calling you.

Byeee.”

NO food in the house pantry

NO food in the house pantry

                                                                                                                                                                                  

NO food freezer

NO food freezer

NO food refrig

NO food refrig