Archive for July, 2013

A Dangerous Journey
July 28, 2013

I am going into my teenage son’s bedroom!   The danger is obvious in the mere description of the task-  1. teenage male 2. his bedroom 3. going in.  I’m sure that my trepidation is the same felt by the Navy Seals as they descended into Bin Laden’s compound.  What will we find? Are there booby traps? Am I sufficiently armoured? and ultimately , What will be the casualty count?

Typically, I never go in my 15 year old son’s room.  At most I will stand at the threshold, yell in the time, and advise him to get out of bed, but I never step a foot inside.  First of all, there are huge obstacles to even the contemplation of going in- huge piles  cover the floor- clothes intermingled with the unknown, empty potato chip bags, even electrical gadgets poking out of the 2-3 foot mounds of debris.   Even when my dog ventures in she steps cautiously, unlike me she is willing  to risk life and limb to get to my son,  and for her there is the additional reward of being able to eat or roll in anything that smells really bad.   Those thigh-high heaps of unknown matter clearly contain biological and inorganic waste products resulting from the toxic mix of things decaying,  chemically combusting,  and doused with the juice of man- feet- stink-  – clearly the stuff of biological warfare! 

Why?- you ask- why would I sign up for a near certain suicide mission?  First, I’m a Mother-  a.k.a. A Hero, the bravest of the brave, courageous and undaunted in the face of the most herculean of odysseys.    The process of birth- internally pushing out something 100 times the size of the hole it emerges from- creates a warrior, a super- solider, prepared for and subject to the grossest and most challenging duties.  Secondly, we are going on vacation and school will be starting soon- and I have got to take inventory of what is salvageable, and what needs to be “red bagged”.  The only alternative: fire-bombing the room, is not an option since it is quite connected to the rest of the house.  So I must venture in…… !

 A testament to my mommilitary training I  go in fully prepared,  donning  a haz-mat  suit, which I wear over my bee-keeper outfit, and my cold-water dive wetsuit and oxygen tank.  Using the night-vision goggles and the infrared, Geiger counter I should be able to sift through the debris, and  safety manage the radioactive exposure.  I am hopeful that I will emerge within a few days with a handful of school uniforms, some library books,  and an acceptable body count .  And  most importantly – the pride of completing another death-defying mission and the triumph of surviving and living to tell other mothers that victory is possible!

My F*#k It List
July 10, 2013

My F*#k-It List

Another birthday is approaching and even though I’m periodically annoyed with some of the physical realities, I am moving forward into middle age with surprising ease because I am also open to some of the positive gifts of growing older. Generally speaking for me, there is actually a converse relationship between my physical attributes and my overall contentment. I feel freer to be me, now more than ever before. Those youthful “should be’s” and “better do’s” are melting away with the years. Being of a certain age I’m confident and clear about what fits the real me. I can let go of other’s ideas about me, or women, or good mothers, or mature behavior.

The more I thought about this new freedom I began to realize that there is a whole number of things that are just NOT me, or right for me and from that “My F*#k It List” was born! This is the complete opposite of a “Bucket List”- that quaint Boomers exercise where one lists all the things they want to do before they “kick the bucket” to ensure that at the end of their life they are fulfilled and complete- I guess?
My list is all the things that I’m really never going to do, have no intention of doing, and feel no compulsion to ever complete or improve on. I’m embracing my authenticity!
Here you have it:

#1. I’m not going to look at my back. A dear friend recently described to me a depressing scene in her bathroom after a shower where she examined herself naked thoroughly from the back in the mirror and she was appalled, so I decided- why bother? I have a general knowledge about what is protruding, wiggling or even discolored back there, but I pay a doctor to make sure nothing is really wrong and beyond that what is back there is actually anyone who is behind me’s problem. F*#k em, they should up walking next to me anyway- catch up!

#2. I’m never going to pack light- and related to that,
#3. I’m never going to carry a small purse.
I want to be able to decide when I’m there according to my mood, the weather, my weight, and any other changing conditions what shoes, clothes and accessories I’m going to wear, so I’m willing to pay extra and yes, I do need help with my bags. As for all those orthopedic warnings about large pocketbooks ruining posture, and causing neck and shoulder injuries, please- I’m middle age- I’ve pulled a muscle just getting into bed. I maintain a miniature bathroom valet in my purse complete with over- the- counter everything, and lotions for all occasions and skin types. AND I have a membership or customer reward card from every retail store and eatery in North America. I’m going to be buried with this stuff- because you just never know – when life as we know it ends maybe you can still redeem points earned from Panera Bread for a free pastry.

#4. I’m never going to do a hot yoga class- or run a full marathon. I love to exercise, I run several times a week, and Yoga has given me back flexibility and balance that I thought was lost forever, BUT nothing should ever be done in triple digit heat- it’s called “Hell” cause it’s so fu*#king hot!
And because I’m a slow runner there is nothing ever created or imagined that I really want to do continuously, and repeatedly for over 5 hours- even eating chocolate cake for that long would not be fun. By the way- 26.2 is completely stupid number.

#5. (This one should be obvious.) I not going to clean up my language and stop dropping f-bombs in my conversations. I’m professional when I need to be, and I would never intentionally offend anyone, but with my friends, and when not in mixed company (children or Religious people) I will continue to exuberantly color my descriptions with “What the f*#k?”, “Get the f*#k out of here!” and “I can gauranf*#kingtee you…”

#6. I am not going to stop talking in that funny voice and making up words when I encounter a sweet puppy, a snuggly kitten or an adorable baby. I speak fluent “dog” to my dog Mae, and her neighborhood canine friends and their wagging tails confirm that my accent is perfect!

#7. I not going to wear pajamas or nightgowns- ever— I can’t get over the ridiculousness of getting dressed in clothes to go to sleep!!! —I’ll never parade around publically, but even in the nursing home of the future – it’s naked and nothing for sleeping.

This is not an exhaustive list, I intend to continually update the list with decisive “not gonnas” and “no f#*king way” for years to come. Actually my Bucket List is simply to keep adding to my F#*k It List. I encourage everyone to pursue deep self knowledge and create their own list of never- evers, challenging the status quo and the self improvers to sit down and shut the f*#k up.