Archive for December, 2012

There isn’t any food in the house – {with editorial comments}
December 7, 2012

Last night while  at work  I realized that  I  had 5 missed calls and one voice mail message from my 14 year old son between 5:57pm and 6:30pm. The following is a transcript of the voice message he left: { and my editorial comments}

{5 calls within 28 mins- OMG is the house on fire!?!} 

“Hey Mama, It’s me, Alex.”

{He’s an only child}

“Ahh, I just realized that ah, well- there isn’t any food in the house.”

{ Subtext- I finally looked up from my computer/phone screen and realized your big ass was not in front of the stove}

“Yeah. No leftovers. Nothing I can make.” 

{ see pics below}

“and it’s ah- kindaof problem.”

{ Look, I don’t want to get you in any trouble , but child abuse and neglect IS a felony!}

“Now I’m not just calling to scream and whine.”

{ I am a man with a solution}

“I’m calling to ask if you could please, maybe, order some pizza, have it delivered to the house with a credit card- I guess.”

{ payment method is your choice: we take checks, credit cards- or you can shake that money tree that you have hidden up your ass}

“I have no money.”

{ I’m dependent on you- actually more like a slave/exploited child worker}

“That’s why I ‘m calling you.

Byeee.”

NO food in the house pantry

NO food in the house pantry

                                                                                                                                                                                  

NO food freezer

NO food freezer

NO food refrig

NO food refrig

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What love aint
December 2, 2012

I’m reading the classic, Of  Human Bondage by  W. Somerset Maugham It is great book! – about life, art, classism, but mostly it is THE unofficial handbook on what love aint.  The “love” described is full of self degradation, cruelty, and narcissism -it takes He’s Just Not That Into You to olympic heights!

Now I am crystal clear that I would hardly qualify as an authority on the topic of love. Actually, in the virtual contest of failed relationships I would be unanimously crowned the winner, pictured tearfully stumbling down the runway wearing a satin sash inscribed in glitter: “She sure can pick ’em!”.

 Loser magnet

Loser magnet

As reigning queen I am endowed with the experience to know what love is NOT:
1. It is not obsession, it not “completing”, it is not lust, it is not subjugation, it is not desperate, it is not settling.
2. It has absolutely nothing to do with fairy tales, jewelry, picket fences, wedding receptions or happily ever after.
3. It doesn’t fix, replace, make up for, or rescue anyone- ever.

4. It does not occur at first sight, at strip joints, in the produce section of the grocery store, or between cars stopped at a red light.

5. It can not be feigned, imagined, erased, exaggerated, or accurately described.

*Oh-  and Anastasia, Bella, and Rihanna- love is NOT EVER being hit, whipped, bitten or requires giving up your life.

not_to_love